20070924
let's be honest
i don't think i can blame the upcoming promos for my negative thinking. it just gave some help by putting me in a mood where i can think seriously. helps to pull me back from my own world which i am contented to stay locked up in, into reality. i don't think of it as my own special fantasy world; think of it more as a form of Escapism. (the last time someone told me that word didn't exist, i checked; it does) and no wonder people always say that my blog is filled with... mostly things they're not interested in.
also in times like these i realise that i have problems in trying to keep my emotions in check. i'm pretty aware that my negative thoughts, if not managed and channeled properly into productive things, can be quite self-destructive. (ya please laugh all you want)
i'm receiving signals that my mind is trying to resist stronger than ever to steer away from what i'm forced to do to. guess during times like this i start to write and play the piano more than ever, and the driving force and motivation behind all these is reflected very clearly. reflects some sort of frustration and the L word that i hate to admit.
i'm always honest with myself, to the point that i sometimes hate that aspect about myself and i try to ignore it.
honestly, i think dreams are made up of nothing. they either make or break you, and i've never really put much hope on my 'dreams'. right now, they don't mean shit to me.
honestly, i don't like myself that much but i've come to accept all the things i hate about me as, truly me.
honestly, i'm so unsure about so many things about my life that i don't want to go through it without having a clear direction. i lack courage. this is a rant that i often... rant about.
honestly, people can successfully make me feel like shit easily. make me feel like there's something wrong with my thinking, that my thoughts are either always contradicting or incoherent. i know that. that's why i don't like vocalising my thoughts and opinions often.
honestly, i am emotionally detached. very much so. people who used to be close to me slowly walked out. sometimes, i'm too tired to get them back. friends who i'm close with now, one day they'll go too. it's a vicious cycle, bet on it. i live with it. everyone dies, so you walk a full circle and you're back to the same square one. you're born with nothing, and you leave with nothing, that's how i see it. bullshit about wisdom and love and whatthefuckeverelse. as much as i'm thankful for people who i have right now, i'm scared about what will come later. i don't like disappointments and i don't like lies. but i know i can't hold on to anyone/anything forever, so hey, i don't want to have much to do with anything in the first place.
honestly, though it's nice to feel happy (like your heart actually weighs something) once in a while, i'm pretty (contented?) to feel void. no wait, i can't stand feeling void all the time. i get frustrated about it, i hate it, because i don't get why other people don't feel the same way. or maybe they do, but why do i take notice of my own detachment so much? in My world, however, i think it's okay to feel void. i'm contented there. there's no one else to rub it in my face.
at the moment i'm greatly concerned about playing Chizuru on the piano, because there are no piano sheets online so that leaves me to figure out the damn notes for myself and i'm strangely putting this one place before my promos on my priority list.
&i don't like the fact that i might not be able to keep in touch with my host family. the big force out there, please do something.. conjure a miracle! don't need another disappointment. i'm not sure if i'm even upset about it screw thissssss.
this post was only meant to be one sentence long but i guess sometimes i don't know when the hell to stop.
[edit]
someone gave me encouragement. said that for motivation, you gotta have faith, because you can never be ready for anything in life. made sense; i was fuzzy for about 3 seconds, and then like water vapour, everything evaporates into nothingness. i don't know why, but i just lost that feeling faster than you can think. i keep admiring other people's courage and then i wonder when will it be MY damned turn to take off.
i have problems with faith, i don't even want to start and try to believe in it. it's not something that i can make sense of and explain, that complex thing.
Labels: :\, etc, japanese, muse, shit happens
&!VODKA&IRONY
{ C }
the kind of girl who mopes around about stuff ALOT
& somedays on mute mode
&!SLIP'N'SLIDE
A LEFT-HANDER WHO FEEDS ON JROCK :D
Is a caffeine addict, & doesn't mind giving up talking for good.
With not much self-confidence to start with, her ugly teeth upset her a lot but she plans to do nothing about it. Cheap thrills include rainy days, graphic designing, writing & a little dosage of her jrock darlings.
Can conjure up some really good shit in her mind sometimes, but has problems putting them onto paper and into reality.
Overall an average kid who's neither here nor there in everything she does, & gets bothered by it sometimes. Has trouble finding her direction in life.
Mostly negative and wishes to be more apathetic. Currently finding a way to start a new life in Japan, with a different name.
Still likes to talk to inanimate things like her stuffed penguin.
&!SxDxR
♥REITA,
just because.
&!POP'N'ROLL
THEM
% B % C % E % F
% G % J % J % K
% M % M % M % S
% S % W % Y % Z
OTHERS
% DEAL DESIGN % HARUGIN
&!FEATTHIS
LAYOUT: by CHARLENE(c)
FEAT: REITA {Ba} from the GazettE
Brushes by various; original codes by
provocative}
NOTE: click on VIEW on your browser toolar bar above, go to (CHARACTER) ENCODING, and select UNICODE.
&!XXIIII VII
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
